Wednesday, October 13, 2004


"Welcome to my world, Mr. President."

The Plaid Adder on Democratic Underground stages an imaginary Kerry/Bush debate in her head:

The Immoderator

October 13, 2004

By The Plaid Adder

The events described below are entirely fictional. No actual human beings were harmed in the creation of this column. (If only the same could be said of the Bush presidency.)


PLAIDDER: Speaking of the Lord... Mr. President, you support a Constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. Now this is either a shameful piece of electioneering that demonstrates a deplorable lack of respect for your gay and lesbian constituents as well as the Constitution of the United States, or proof that you are so wholly consumed by right-wing Christian ideology that you are not capable of serving a country whose citizens believe in many different religions including none at all. Which is it?

BUSH: I... how am I supposed to answer that? Either way I'm screwed!

PLAIDDER: Well, you should have thought of that before you supported the amendment.

BUSH: I - you - what kind of moderator are you?

PLAIDDER: Answer the question, Mr. President.

BUSH: I'm not going to answer the question! This isn't fair! You've had me dancing around up here like a cat on an electric range and you haven't shocked Kerry even once!

PLAIDDER: That's because he hasn't lied to me yet.

BUSH: How do you know? You just believe what he tells you because he's your guy. You're giving him all the real questions and me all the leading ones where I'm going to wind up shooting myself in the foot no matter what I do. You've already decided who's gonna win this debate and you're just trying to do enough to make it look like you're balanced when really this whole thing is totally slanted toward Kerry and I'm just here to be played for a sucker!

PLAIDDER: You're absolutely right. I haven't been fair and balanced to you at all. To make it up to you, I'm going to ask Senator Kerry to limit his rebuttal to six words or fewer. Senator Kerry?

KERRY: Welcome to my world, Mr. President.

Nobody would actually dare treat President Bush like this, but someone, somewhere, for once in his worthless life, really should.

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