Friday, December 31, 2004

 

Friday Blog Blogging

Good stuff from Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness and Jesus' General.
Get Your Hands Off My Chicken Selects, Allah!

Some old USA Today guy writes a holiday column urging withdrawal from Iraq for the sake of the troops. Some old USA Today guy gets angry letters. Of course, this post has already been done (better because he's willing to actually e-mail these lunatics with helpful suggestions) byJesus' General, but here goes...

(1) "Cowards and traitors like Al Neuharth want all the comforts they know and enjoy, without a sacrifice to buy it." To which only a professional biography suffices: "Neuharth, besides his professional accomplishments, served his country in World War II as an infantryman in France, Germany and the Phillippines, and won a Bronze Star." Only Bronze? I'll bet it was self-inflicted. He was never under fine. He wasn't in the Phillippines, he was near the Phillipines, which is strange because he says it was seared in his memory! [The preceding provided by Reactionary Non-Military Weblog Autobot v3.1]

(1a) "They had two of these in World War 2. One was called Tokyo Rose and the other Axis Sally." For some reason, I don't want to think of Mr. Neuharth in drag, because the world already has all the Bea Arthurs it needs.

(1b) "And as for the good war, WW II, the lefties were four-square for that one. Yes sir, they were saving the USSR, Stalin and Communism. It's sad we didn't join Hitler until he wiped out the USSR." And the Boys From Brazil was a documentary, filmed in real time.

(2) "If we pull out of Iraq with the job unfinished the terrorists will be bombing McDonalds" Oh, HELL no! Not when the fucking McRib is back for a limited time after months of wandering the fast food wilderness! This tangy barbecue sauce doesn't run, motherfucker!

(3) "Neuharth should be tried for treason along with a lot of other blowhards who should be spending their energies condemning the barbarism of our enemies, the same people who destroyed the Twin Towers." Proudly representing the People's Republic of Austin! By the way, here's your ticket to Greenland, dumbfuck.

(4) "The Patriot Act will put both of you (Neuharth and Mitchell) on trial for treason and convict and execute both of you as traitors for running these stories in a time of war and it should be done on TV for other communist traitors like you two to know we mean business." No, that's not the Patriot Act that I know and love. You're thinking of the working draft of Patriot Act III being drafted by Al Gonzales... although it would be better to implement Patriot Act IV, allowing for Michael Biehn to trip the space-time continuum to kill Neuharth's grandparents in the old country, thereby sparing us in this time-stream from having to read well-reasoned things that upset us.

Teacher's note for #4: "'F'... Run-on sentences, poor punctuation... see me after class. And stop calling me a communist harlot who will be drowned in the fire of the coming Apocalypse as the armies of the righteous smite them live on Fox News."
And here's the Jesus' General post Norbizness refers to:
Getting their freep on

Last week, USA Today founder Al Neuharth wrote in his column that it is time to bring the troops home. His treasonous act did not go unnoticed. Patriots from across the country sprung into action immediately and bombarded the treacherous fiend with a blitzkrieg of threatening email. Lafayette points us to a collection of their boldly resolute letters.

I tracked down a few of these patriots and wrote them congratulatory notes. Their original words and my responses appear below.
Frank Butash, West Hartford, CT.: "Apparently it's easier to run with jackals than to stand up for your country when it needs support."
Frank Butash
Free Republic, Connecticut Chapter

Dear Mr Butash,

I really enjoyed your letter to Al Neuharth. I'm in complete agreement with your point that the only way to support our country is to sacrifice our sons and daughters for the greater glory of Our Leader. Those who would suggest otherwise are guilty of the worst kind of crime, a lack of faith in the Administration's ability to eventually do something right.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Joe McBride, Fort Dodge, Iowa: "Mr. Neuharth, thanks to you and your ignorance the terrorists are probably booking their flights to the U.S. now! If we pull out of Iraq with the job unfinished the terrorists will be bombing McDonalds, and blowing up malls and schools here, killing our innocent men, women and children."
Joe McBride
Fort Dodge, Iowa

Dear Mr. McBride,

Your letter to Al Neuharth was absolutely correct. The terrorists hate us because we have hamburgers. If we don't fight the Iraqis on their own soil, they'll be bombing fast food joints and mall food courts throughout America. I don't even want to think about the depraved acts they have planned for Ronald McDonald, but I bet falafels are involved.

Thank God we ended our war against Al Qaeda before these Iraqi bastards had a chance to take hold of our whoppers.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian Patriot
Duggan Flanakin, Austin, Texas: "Neuharth should be tried for treason along with a lot of other blowhards who should be spending their energies condemning the barbarism of our enemies, the same people who destroyed the Twin Towers."
Duggan Flanakin
EI News

Dear Mr. Flanakin,

Your letter to Al Neuharth filled me with joy. I thought that I was the only person left who still believed that the Iraqis were responsible for the attacks on the Twin Towers and the Pentagon--even Our Leader has backed away from such claims. Now, I see that you share this belief.

I understand that you are somewhat involved in the "Sound Science" Movement. That doesn't surprise me. Such work requires the same kind of analytical abilities we see in your letter.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
A Friday Blog Blogging Double Dip - Happy New Year!

It is sad that the country has become so polarized, that an actual statement of support for the troops - as opposed to simply sticking one of those "Support Our Troops" magnets on the back of one's car and thinking that nothing more needs to be done - leads to such vicious and violent rhetoric. (Disclosure: I have such a magnet, purchased at a minor league hockey game from families of National Guard troops deployed to Iraq, on the back of my car - along with a "Patriots for Kerry" bumper sticker; and I don't think that's enough.)

Of course, that polarization is almost entirely the work of the president and his catamites, including his handmaidens in the media who uncritically passed along every lie Bush told them. That's why so many Americans still - after all this time - think Saddam was behind 9-11. And that makes me sad as well as angry.

My last post of the year. Thanks for reading and commenting. See you all in 2005!
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