Monday, March 14, 2005

 

You have to hand it to Wolcott

Boooooooo!!!!!

Okay, yes, bad joke, but still, this gutsy post wins the Golden Palm Award (stop it, Malvolio!). I mean, Wolcott is the best, like some top tennis player who knows all the strokes (we're warning you, Malvolio). James Wolcott sure knows jack. (Okay, that's it. You had your chance. Get the auto-fwapper.)

Onward.
Solitaire

What's a boy to do?

When I was in Catholic Sunday school back there in the sixties at Edgewood Arsenal, a priest sent the girls out of the room with a nun to have a "special talk" with us l'il rascals. He began talking about things boys sometimes did in private, as a way of investigating themselves, and how though it might feel good temporarily it was bad for the soul. I don't recall if he ever actually used the word "masturbation" but it didn't take long before we were all paying rapt attention and wondering what the girls were being told.

Unlike priests of yore, who condemned masturbation as a sin, the first stumble towards damnation, this enlightened father took a more character-building tack, saying that what was wrong with fondling yourself was that it was "selfish."

Masturbation has always been an iffy damned if you do, damned if you don't proposition. If you do, you're risking your soul, endangering your mental hygiene by contracting a frenzied addiction (going haywire like Alexander Portnoy), and refusing to share. If you don't, you're allowing steam to build up in the boiler room that could result in a hydraulic explosion releasing uncontrollable urges.

This was the dire prospect Michael Jackson reportedly presented to his young charge, telling him, according to the accuser's court testimony last week, "that one time he was looking over a balcony ... and he saw a boy who didn't masturbate and he had sex with a dog."

Someone should ask Senator Santorum about Michael Jackson's startling revelation, since he's made man-on-dog sex a priority concern. Senator, would you encourage our young people to masturbate if it would prevent an outbreak of canine molestation? It would be interesting to hear him weigh the pros and cons before his staff bundled him into a van.

He might argue that excessive masturbation brought down the British Empire, and could weaken the American Empire that Max Boot and the masthead of several low-circulation magazines are trying so valiantly to build on the backs of our poor soldiers.

According to a new history of English football titled Those Feet, football (I quote from Simon Kuper's column in this weekend's Financial Times) "was invented in Victorian public schools to keep boys from masturbating. The idea was that if boys were out on the field expending energy together, they could never be alone to engage in 'self pollution.'"

The anti-wanking movement couldn't supervise its hands-off policy forever. Kuper writes:

"The war on masturbation tailed off in the 1920s. Not much later the British empire fell."

That may be a tad historically reductive, and yet it may explain the wistful, remorseful look that sometimes fleets across John Derbyshire's face in unguarded moments of reverie.

Masturbation isn't a glamorous activity or the best topic of conversation to broach in a crowded elevator, but if it can keep dogs from being bothered and help undermine the American empire, it serves a social utility.
Now, how many major bloggers would devote an entire post to self-gratification? And make such a witty job of it? (He said "job," heh-heh, heh-heh.)

I must confess, I've done my part to keep the dogs unbothered...

(Sorry for being such a jerk earlier. Boooooooo!!!!!)
Comments:
Sometimes you just have to stand up and grasp firmly at the truth. You can't be afraid to touch even the most controversial areas--even if it arouses sentiment.
Wanking good post!
 
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Comments: "
Sometimes you just have to stand up and grasp firmly at the truth. You can't be afraid to touch even the most controversial areas--even if it arouses sentiment.
Wanking good post!
 
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