Wednesday, May 18, 2005

 

Funniest post of the year

Or since the last Fafblog! post I blogged.
How Do You Solve A Problem Like Korea?

So all Giblets hears these days is "Oh North Korea has nukes, oh what are we going to do about North Korea, oh we have to negotiate with North Korea." Well Giblets has the solution to ending the North Korean nuke program in minutes! But what would Giblets give North Korea? What "carrots and sticks" would he use? Behold - the possibilities are endless!

NOTHING!: Giblets does not negotiate with rogue nations! Instead he will devastate them by periodically shaking his fist and going "ooh you'd better not" and "ooh you'll be sorry" until they relent.

MORE NOTHING! What do you give the rogue nation that has nothing? More nothing! Sanctions will make North Korea go from Starvingest Stalinist Dictatorship to MORE StarvingestER Dictatorship EVER! Let's see how much longer Kim Jong Il can take the pain after Giblets sanctions away his janitor's children's sumptuous dirt buffet!

NOTHING... PLUS ANTI-BALLISTIC MISSILES!: Giblets does not negotiate with rogue nations... and he doesn't HAVE to, because he has spent over $200 billion on a vast and array of brokwn anti-ballistic missiles! When those North Korean missiles see Giblets's far more expensive and non-functional missile shield, they will be so impressed and intimidated they will drop harmlessly into the ocean to be eaten by large fish.

DELICIOUS KLONDIKE BAR: What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you shut down your nuclear weapons program, submit to a thorough inspections regime, and disarm your stock of ballistic missiles? Well Giblets doesn't care, because Giblets does not give ice cream to rogue nations. That would only encourage them to develop nuclear weapons just for the sake of obtaining delicious ice cream.

FAKE OUT: Giblets goes "Hey look over there - an aid package and a non-aggression pact!" While North Korea turns around goin' "Where?", Giblets makes off with up to six nuclear warheads, 100 No-Dong missiles, and 8000 spent fuel rods. Suckers!

FAKE OUT 2: Giblets promises that in exchange for the dismantling of its nuclear program North Korea will receive a "wet willie," an unspecified prize too enigmatic for North Korea to resist. When the agreement is signed, however, North Korea gets nothing more - and nothing LESS - then a moistened finger swirled in its ear, to its bitter shame and eternal embarassment!

THE WEE FOLK: Giblets sits it out and waits for an assortment of mischievous pixies and gremlins to replace North Korea's plutonium with swiftly vanishing, treacherous fairy plutonium! Or for the vaporization of Tokyo, whichever comes first.
I myself would have said, send North Korea to bed without its supper, but their Dear Leader (Kim Jong Il, not George. W. Bush, he's our Dear Leader) seems to have done that already.

Bush's response to North Korean nukes reminds me a bit, sadly, of a Simpsons episode (it's only a slight exaggeration to say that everything reminds me of a Simpsons episode - everything else reminds me of a Monty Python bit) in which Ned Flanders's hippie father, unwilling to discipline his unruly son, begs a psychiatrist to do it for him: "We've tried, like, nothin', man, and we're outa ideas!"
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