Thursday, December 15, 2005

 

Okay, this one wins

The coveted "Making Fun of Right Wing Morons" Award.
waronchristmas@johngibson.com

Dear Mr. Gibson,

I noticed when visiting the FoxNews Website, as I do every day, looking for inspirational words from Brian Kilmeade; that you have established a real, live, email address where good Americans can report, in your words, "Christmas outrages".

I work in a moderately sized midwestern city. I never thought I'd be writing you, but the other day a true outrage occurred. I was at "Romantix: The Erotic Video Store" looking to buy some festive Christmas Erotica, like Santa's Sluts and "I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus". As I paid my "browsing fee", I noticed above the till it wished shoppers, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS".

I asked the person behind the till, while still avoiding eye-contact, why they were not wishing their patrons a Merry Christmas?

"What", I asked him, "would Jesus do?"

His mouth opened slightly more, and I saw his non-patched eye open wider. It was clear that he was surprised. Yet he was non-responsive. Such was his shame that it took him several seconds to properly give me five-dollars in quarters.

I continued my perusing of the wares of the store with a noticeable harrumph. There were virtually no creches at all, except for one cardboard cut out of Jenna Jameson on her knees surrounded by three wise men standing around giving her their gifts but it wasn't gold, francesence or myrrh. Well, maybe myrrh. And the donkey seemed like it didn't want to be there.

The dildos were not even arranged with colorful green and red garland.

It was an outrage. Why are our nation's pornographers so cavalier about giving recognition to Christ while selling their material? Jesus is the reason for the season, the thrill of the holiday should arise in all manner of places, especially your pants.

I thought you would like to know so you can help end this outrage.

Merry Christmas,

Atta J. Turk
Reminds me of a joke: New sales clerk in a porn store. Customer enters, asks the price of the dildos. The clerk replies, "The small pink ones are $10 and the big pink ones are $15." Customer asks, "How much for that big plaid one up there?" The clerk thinks for a second and says, "Oh, $25." The customer pays and leaves. The store owner comes back and asks, "What did you sell while I was out?" The clerk answers, "Four dildos and a Thermos."
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